Listening.

Psalm 88:1-2

Lord, you are the God who saves me;

day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;

turn your ear to my cry.

 

 

Last night, our pastor taught on all of Psalm 88 and although I drew many things from it, I ultimately was captivated by those first two verses.

 

I have cried words similar to those many times. I'm sure you have too.

 

.................

 

"Lord! I know you saved me from my sins. Thank You for that. I know it is all I really need, 

but please hear me now... I. Need. You.

 

I need You to hear me pour my heart out without moving my lips because I can't find the words.

I need You to somehow. someway. sometime. give me hint. a clue. a glimpse of the why.

I need You to tell me one more time that You are for me because right now I'm just not seeing it.

I need You to hear me out while I unload the questions and statements that burden my mind because of the things You allow.

I need to know You are listening."

.................

 

Why did she die? Why does it hurt? I can't take another rejection. When will the worry stop? I know You can heal me. How many times are You going to let me mess this up? I'm not able to sleep deeply anymore. What do You want me to do?

 

I've been in those moments many times and I'm sure I'll be there again, but you know what??

 

He is listening to me and to you and to my son unlocking the floodgates to his soul in a language I'll never understand...

He listens and He understands each one of us!

 

Isn't that amazing!?!

 

And beyond Him listening...

 

He has sent me those hints and clues and glimpses when I have slowed down and been quiet enough to receive them. I've never heard His voice, but I long to one day.  Thankfully, I don't need to hear Him with my ears for Him to communicate with me.

 

.................

 

I decided to write this today because I know I'll need to read it in the future. All these things He did for me, He did without me crying out because I didn't think He wanted to hear it again, but He heard me in my silence.

 

When I felt like my emotions had been held back for so long that my heart must be hard, He allowed my tears to fall as I heard the lengthy and passionate prayer of my son.

 

When I messed up as a mom in the area of self control again, He prompted one of my children to tell me how amazing I was.

 

When I was alone in a house full of kids, He sent me a friend.

 

When I looked back to see if I had missed a sign from Him, He went before me and showed me His plans are good.

 

When the numbers didn't add up and I couldn't figure out why, He gave me peace.

 

God is good and He loves this messed up momma more than I can imagine.

 

.................

 

The kids are all doing well. Adjusting. Hanging out. Schooling.

All as a family of 8 now.

It isn't easy, but it is fun!

 

The many many many weeks and thousands upon thousands of dollars seem like a distant memory.

 

Today, I am praying for families that are hoping, praying, and contemplating adoption. I can't tell you enough how much more you will receive than you will give up. My children are my children now and although their pain is still there and their smiles fade away sometimes, God is healing them and attaching them to our family and, through that healing and attaching, showing...

 oh how He loves you and me.

 

Thank you, LORD!