Bittersweet Unwanted Mother's Day

Earlier this week, it was an angry day for my son. I therapeutic parented him the best I could before messing up and asking him what was making him angry. He said something like... 

I don't want you to be my mom.

I could have started rambling off all the reasons why he hadn't been a good son over the past two and half years. I could have told him how much those words hurt me. I could have stood there and acted sad. I could have walked away. I could have yelled at him just like he hoped I would. I don't remember my exact words, but it was somewhere along the lines of...

I wish I wasn't your mom. I wish you could have your birth mom. I know you loved and love her so much. I know you miss her. I know you miss your old life. I wish I could give you your first family back because I know that is what you want. I really do want you to be happy. 

I don't know if it was the right thing to say, but I said it. I rested my hand on his shoulder. I looked him in the eyes. Neither one of us knew what else to say so we went back to working on school. 

..............

My Mother's Days have sure changed over the years.

Just turned 18... 9 months married and 6 months pregnant! (2001)

Mom of one 8 month old! (2002)

Mom of an infant and a 2 year old! (2004)

Mom to three daughters ages 5, 3, and 1 month! (2007)

Mom of four. 7, 5, and 2 are girls and the boy is 4 months old! (2009)

First Mother's Day knowing that I wasn't going to ever be pregnant again. (2010)

Committed to becoming a mother again through adoption! (2013)

Mom of daughters 12, 10, and 7 and sons 9, 5, and 5! (2014)

1st really sad Mother's Day mourning my sons' losses. (2015)

Downplaying the day. Waiting for the sad or mad or trauma. Praying. (2016)

I love being a wife and being a mom is a very close second. I have been blessed today. Flowers from Matt. A flower from one son. A specially decorated cup from one daughter. Lots of hugs and sweet words and kind gestures. Prayers and understanding from my church family. Encouragement. Grace. 

Happy isn't a word I would describe what I believe will be our Mother's Day. 

Bittersweet seems to fit the day much better. Bitter for some of my children and sweet for others and so bittersweet for me.

I do not say this for pity. No. I say this because I truly believe that God is with me in this. I believe He is near the brokenhearted. I know that He can heal the wounds. I trust that He will comfort. He is good. He is right. He is trustworthy. He is love.

.............

James and John,

As I am writing this, I can hear you laughing and yelling and having fun on the trampoline through the open window. The two of you made me a mom in a whole new and special way two and a half years ago. I am thankful for that. There is a quote from Jody Landers that states, "Children born to another woman call me 'Mom.' The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." I am so very sorry that you have had such loss. I wish I didn't have to be your mom, but I am thankful that I can step in and do the best I can to finish the job your amazing mother started. Know this... I do not want you to ever feel like you have to celebrate me on Mother's Day, but I will always celebrate being the mother of all six of the children God has placed in my care. You are loved, my sons. Loved more than you yet understand.

Trinity, Emma, Azriel, and Titus,

Thank you for showing me such care on Mother's Day. Thank you for doing it discretely and quietly. Thank you for loving me. You have blessed me today. Your warm and loving hugs have held me together. Your handwritten notes and thoughtful words are more than what I could ask for.