Bittersweet Unwanted Mother's Day

Earlier this week, it was an angry day for my son. I therapeutic parented him the best I could before messing up and asking him what was making him angry. He said something like... 

I don't want you to be my mom.

I could have started rambling off all the reasons why he hadn't been a good son over the past two and half years. I could have told him how much those words hurt me. I could have stood there and acted sad. I could have walked away. I could have yelled at him just like he hoped I would. I don't remember my exact words, but it was somewhere along the lines of...

I wish I wasn't your mom. I wish you could have your birth mom. I know you loved and love her so much. I know you miss her. I know you miss your old life. I wish I could give you your first family back because I know that is what you want. I really do want you to be happy. 

I don't know if it was the right thing to say, but I said it. I rested my hand on his shoulder. I looked him in the eyes. Neither one of us knew what else to say so we went back to working on school. 

..............

My Mother's Days have sure changed over the years.

Just turned 18... 9 months married and 6 months pregnant! (2001)

Mom of one 8 month old! (2002)

Mom of an infant and a 2 year old! (2004)

Mom to three daughters ages 5, 3, and 1 month! (2007)

Mom of four. 7, 5, and 2 are girls and the boy is 4 months old! (2009)

First Mother's Day knowing that I wasn't going to ever be pregnant again. (2010)

Committed to becoming a mother again through adoption! (2013)

Mom of daughters 12, 10, and 7 and sons 9, 5, and 5! (2014)

1st really sad Mother's Day mourning my sons' losses. (2015)

Downplaying the day. Waiting for the sad or mad or trauma. Praying. (2016)

I love being a wife and being a mom is a very close second. I have been blessed today. Flowers from Matt. A flower from one son. A specially decorated cup from one daughter. Lots of hugs and sweet words and kind gestures. Prayers and understanding from my church family. Encouragement. Grace. 

Happy isn't a word I would describe what I believe will be our Mother's Day. 

Bittersweet seems to fit the day much better. Bitter for some of my children and sweet for others and so bittersweet for me.

I do not say this for pity. No. I say this because I truly believe that God is with me in this. I believe He is near the brokenhearted. I know that He can heal the wounds. I trust that He will comfort. He is good. He is right. He is trustworthy. He is love.

.............

James and John,

As I am writing this, I can hear you laughing and yelling and having fun on the trampoline through the open window. The two of you made me a mom in a whole new and special way two and a half years ago. I am thankful for that. There is a quote from Jody Landers that states, "Children born to another woman call me 'Mom.' The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." I am so very sorry that you have had such loss. I wish I didn't have to be your mom, but I am thankful that I can step in and do the best I can to finish the job your amazing mother started. Know this... I do not want you to ever feel like you have to celebrate me on Mother's Day, but I will always celebrate being the mother of all six of the children God has placed in my care. You are loved, my sons. Loved more than you yet understand.

Trinity, Emma, Azriel, and Titus,

Thank you for showing me such care on Mother's Day. Thank you for doing it discretely and quietly. Thank you for loving me. You have blessed me today. Your warm and loving hugs have held me together. Your handwritten notes and thoughtful words are more than what I could ask for.

Instrument.

I've played a few instruments in my life... not very well, but I played them. My favorite was the French Horn. It was such a powerful sound. I was the only one playing it in middle school band and it could still be heard and I still hear it loud in films and smile. Check out a tribute here to the horn in film and especially this tribute to John Williams!

The horn doesn't ask to be played or used. It doesn't attempt to break out of its case. If it had feelings, it probably would not appreciate having someone's spit coating it from the blowing in one end and having the players hand in the other while getting its keys pressed. Being an instrument doesn't sound like a fun job, but the beautiful noise that comes from the willingness to be used by a musician is priceless.

We've been listening to an album in the van by Matt Maher (Saints and Sinners) and it's pretty amazing. My kids all love the song Firelight, but I'm pretty partial to the one that comes next... Instrument. It doesn't have French Horn, but it does have lyrics that speak to me right now right where I am. It makes me think.

I'm tired. worn down. done fighting against the hate. feeling hard hearted. broken. spent.

This isn't how I have to be!! God has made me for more than this.

So today I'm...thanking Him for His grace. Begging for His pardoning for my daily failings. Remembering the promise of His peace. Crying out for His love so I can love. Hoping that I can lay down my hurt and my plans and let God use me where I am today. Right now. In my home. In the life of each child.

Let me be Your instrument.

"Instrument"

Where there is hatred Lord, let me sow your love
Where there’s injury, let forgiveness be enough
Are we giving up, fighting the good fight
Where there is despair, just a flicker in the flame
Could break the veil of night

To the Father and the Son
And the Holy Spirit, three in One
I offer you myself, though I’m broken and spent
Let me be Your instrument
Let me be Your instrument

May I never seek, to be consoled as to console
May I understand, to be loved is to love, to be loved is to love

To the Father and the Son
And the Holy Spirit, three in One
I offer you myself, though I’m broken and spent
Let me be Your instrument
Let me be Your instrument 

Hallelujah
Oh praise Him, Hallelujah
I offer you myself, though I’m broken and spent
Let me be Your instrument

Let there be peace, pardoned in the pardoning
Born again when we die, You have raised us to new life
Let there be peace, pardoned in the pardoning
Born again when we die, You have raised us to new life

Writer(s): Matt Maher

Copyright: Sony/ATV Tree Publishing, I Am A Pilgrim Songs

The Good Samaritan

Have you heard this parable?

I can picture it.

I man bruised and beaten and bleeding. Two separate "religious" men walk by. One regular guy shows compassion and stops to help. He goes above and beyond. He stops his own journey and spends his own money to care for him.

I've heard the story many times. Many. I never understood how anyone could just walk by a person in that much need. I never tried to see it from their point of view. They were wrong. How could they?!?

Lately though, I get it. I hate that I get it.

These were good men. A priest. A Levite. Think about your pastor. The demands on his time. Everyone coming to him with problems. Always taking care of his flock. Being called out from his bed and away from his family. Spending more time, sometimes, with the members of his church than his own children.

I see him walking down that road. He's been gone since sunrise and he just wants to go home to eat supper and tuck his kids in bed. He sees the man laying there... half dead. Maybe he pretends that the guy is dead. Maybe he has pity on him, but is so tired he can barely lift his own feet much less the body of a beaten man. So, he walks past. Not because he doesn't care. He does. He just can't. He can't anymore. He's been caring for so many that he's done. He. is. spent.

...........

Matt and I were doing a study book last night called "Created to Connect" that was mailed to us just last week from Show Hope. Chapter 2 has you read this parable and at the end asks, "Thinking in terms of the Parable of the Good Samaritan and taking into account your child's history (both what you know and what you don't), in what ways is your child "injured and bleeding" on the side of the road - emotionally, physically, relationally? In light of this, what does Jesus' command to "go and do likewise" mean for you as the parent of this child?"

Ouch. Normally when I type "but God" it is because I know God is good and He has got this. Today, my "but God" is different.

I know he is hurting. I know he has injuries that are emotional that cause him to be hard to parent. I've been nice. I've shown compassion. I've neglected time with the kids that are behaving well to reassure him that my correcting him is out of love. None of my "connecting" has connected and none of my "correcting" seems to correct. I'm spent. I know what you've commanded, but, God, please don't make me right now. I can't. I want to walk by. Just this once.

Parenting is hard work. Parenting a child that is scarred and whose past isn't clear and who won't share with you or talk to you feels impossible. Thankfully, I know anything is possible with God.

So, today, I will attempt to not walk past. And if I do walk past, I will force myself stop. I will turn back. I will try to find those wounds hidden away under his layers and clean them. I will bandage him with hugs. I will care for the "half dead" boy as I pray for God to fill me up with His strength and His love and His compassion because I don't have any left.