One Small Step (and our backstory)

The blue construction paper on the jar reads "$ :) 125.61  May 9 2013"

     Starting just 3 months after marrying Matt when we were just teens, I stayed in a continual loop of being pregnant, nursing a baby, or trying to talk Matt into another little blessing. I had a pretty good run going with births in 2001, 2004, 2007, and 2009, but then God put a stop to my pattern. To be honest, I didn't want to believe it. Not that I wasn't content with all He had given me. This just wasn't my plan to not be able to have more. I was a great pregnant lady. Just ask Matt! He always said how much nicer I was while carrying a baby... not sure how to take that?? Me either ;)

     The homeschool community, our friends, and our church family in general are what some would call prolific. So pretty much since Titus turned two years old all of two years ago, the question of when were having another one has kept coming up. I'm sure the twelve passenger van for our family of six hasn't helped. You try to take it as a compliment that all these people believe you can handle more. You try to answer each time with a smile and a practiced statement of how it's never going to happen again. You add the comment at the end "but we are hoping to one day adopt" so the person doesn't feel like they have to say they are "sorry" and hoping it avoids the gut punch of "at least you already have four."  Not that I believe anyone is ever trying to cause any harm with asking questions or stating the obvious that we previously did not have fertility issues, but, honestly, I still completely hate the conversation. It's not easy to admit the anger, sadness, and other "woe is me" emotions that I have wrestled in with God. It has been hard since I didn't understand why God allowed this to happen, but have always known deep down that He is good and He loves me.

     We look like we already have a complete family. Looks can be deceiving. The talks about adoption have been frequent in our house. It's always been Titus saying he wants older brothers and the girls hoping for a sibling group that might possibly include another sister. I wish I knew what has been holding us back for so long, but I know we are all excited about taking the first small step by interviewing an adoption agency this week! When we told the kids the excitement level was through the roof! We started by asking them questions to see how ready they really were.

Do you want more siblings? Resounding yes!
How many? This answer ranged from 2 to 99 with the more serious answers coming in around 4 to 6 (so we still fit in the van.)
Do you care if they look like you? They all said no with Azriel adding in that, "Titus doesn't look like us!!!" I love kids :)
Do you understand we will have to change how many activities we do, start saving, and that this won't be easy? All still agreed we wanted to move forward.

    The proof in my mind that they were ready was that jar in the picture. That was the work of ALL them. Their money plus any change they could scrounge up around the house. It was a team effort that continued until they absolutely could not find a penny more. $125.61 Though it may not seem like much to some, to our kids it was everything they had and they wanted to give it all for a group of kids from the U.S. or half way around the world that they have never met or seen, but they count as family already! Praise God for the hearts of my children that are broken for the fatherless!!


Please pray as we begin this long process that will include many hard decisions. Pray we follow His will and His heart each small step we take.